Rules of the Innin Inn

[Denzark]

Well, I have a bar. As I have just installed a bell, I had to cast my mind to fines etc, and here is the rules of the bar.
Rules of the Innin Inn

1. Whosoever shall go behind the bar with the express intent of serving drinks, shall be termed the ‘Barkeep’.

2. The Barkeep is the final arbiter of all justice, quarrels, metaphysical debate, and shall be the sole possessor of the power to fine.

3. Only violence condoned by the Barkeep is permissible.

4. The following activities are banned and shall be punished by fine:

i. Talking in a positive light about the French, socialism, canoeing, Labour or geography.
ii. Aircrew Hands.
iii. The French.
iv. Docking.
v. Chiselling in order to gain promotion.
vi. Blatant and overt sharking.

5. The list at para 4 above is not exhaustive, the Barkeep may add further offences at will.

6. A fine will consist of 2 fingers (of the Barkeep’s choice) for Ladies; gentleman may be fined any amount up to and including ‘The Chug-a-Lug’.

7. The Chug-a-Lug will be filled with up to 4 ingredients; quantity to depend on how many persons are partaking. Participants may veto any one ingredient, Baileys may always be vetoed.

8. Gentlemen may only kiss other gentlemen in a spontaneous outpouring of brotherly love. Ladies may always kiss each other.

9. ‘Shop’ may be discussed until any person present finds it boring; if however they themselves cannot propose a better subject they are to be fined.

10. Grassing of other patrons, whilst amusing, is only authorised by the Barkeep; unsolicited grassing may result in a fine for the backstabbing weaselly grass.

11. Ringing of the Bell is the sole prerogative of the Barkeep; all other bell rings deliberate or otherwise, shall be fined (causing others to ring the bell does not constitute grassing as at para 10.)

12. Ladies should feel free to extract their décolletage from its corsetry, for the perusal of any gentlemen hereabouts.

Any thoughts or additions welcome

[Aldramelech]

Headgear! How the hell did you forget Headgear?

[Denzark]

Oh plop! I only have one sheet of A4, this is 12 point...

What should I take out?

[Aldramelech]

Whilst the French are irritating, I'm sure they don't need to be mentioned twice.

[Denzark]

Au contraire mon Capitaine, one rule covers talking about our gallic cousins in a positive light, the other bans the garlic swilling, hairy arm pitted women shagging scumbos from entry.

Having says that Mrs Denzark doesn't approve of rule 12, feels it may attract lewd women.