Annyoing things the Eldar do when off duty.

[Drunkencorgimaster]

Farseer Shasta Peck’rnuts swooshed into the “Former Days of Glory” lounge room. Her zebra-striped high heel pumps trod lightly across the lime-barf shag carpet as her bell-bottoms made a “fuaddawap” sound. She was dressed in a bright peach ultra-suede leisure suit and had a blaze orange sweat band tastefully wrapped around the top of her tiny head. Ms. Peck’rnuts surveyed the scene.

Almost everyone in the room was an eldar. The exceptions were two imperial guard troopers who had apparently wandered in by accident and were drinking beers in the corner. A massive velvet picture of six dogs playing star-poker hung over the bar. Lava-lamps lit up the corners of the large, tacky room. A large ball made up of hundreds bits of mirror was suspended over a dance floor. As it slowly spun, lights reflected off it in dozens of directions.

Shasta breathed deeply, inhaling the delightful smell of menthol cigaretteretterettes (super, super, super narrow cigars, right?). She looked at several dire avenger dancers moving in semi-rhythm under the mirrored ball, their right hands pointing up, pointing down, pointing up, pointing down. This amazing move would most likely be repeated 3,783 times over the course of the delightful, short 28 minute pop song. “I just love post-retro-neo-funk!” thought Shasta.

“Isn’t it great to be an eldar!?!?!” she suddenly squealed out loud to no one in particular.

“Woo-Hoo!!!” yelled the dancers in response.

Shasta was suddenly confronted with a young shining spear who wore an enormous gold-and-diamond necklace with an ancient Terran symbol for “peace” attached to it.

“Hey baby, my name is Dribblepus Tim’wit.” he said. “What’s your sign?”

“I’m a Gonadturd” the Farseer purred.

The shining spear shook his head so that a lone strip of hair fell across one eye as he looked at her.

“I’m a Vomiton.” he responded in an overly-base voice.

Shasta was deeply impressed.

“Oooooo. I like your style. I think I might choose to mate again in one of the next few upcoming decades. If I do…” she said as she coyly blinked her crossed eyes “…you might get lucky.”

She then sauntered away in a seductive stagger.

The ecstatic shining spear held one fist up in a victory salute.

“Dribblepus is a hero!!! A star!!!” he shouted.

It would not be until several days later that Dribblepus would realize he had not remembered to even ask the Farseer her name, let alone get her contact codes. For her part, Shasta Peck’rnuts had forgotten the shining spear’s name in a matter of minutes.

Shortly after the Farseer’s encounter with Mr. Tim’wit, a striking scorpion wearing nothing but a pair of bright green leather chaps and a red athletic supporter pirouetted on to the dance floor.

“Quiet everybody!!! Quiet!!!! Oh Bloody Scrot of Khaine, EVERYBODY SHUT UP!!!!!!!” he shrieked.

The music slowly died down and all eyes turned to the panting scorpion.

The scantily-clad eldar’s breathing slowed and he gradually began to smile as he noticed everyone looking at him. He suddenly stood upright and flexed his right arm, demonstrating a modest bicep muscle to the crowd.

“I have a special announcement!!!!” he shrilled. “Doodoo Piddl’face is with us tonight!!!”

At that announcement the room burst into applause as individual eldar jumped up and down and began pantomiming their favorite animals.

Once things calmed down, the dancefloor opened up and an autarch wearing a black turtleneck sweater, a pink wool-plaid skirt, a conical paper hat, and roller stakes glided dramatically into the center of the clearing.

“I am the great Autarch Piddl’face and you should all read my daily blog!!!!!” he yelled.

“Woo Hoo!!!” shouted the various eldar as they each shook their left foot back and forth in a secret gesture whose meaning only an ancient and absurd race could understand.

Farseer Shasta Peck’rnuts held her breath in anticipation. Autarch Piddl’face was known for his amazing blog posts, his poetry, and his ability to pick his nose with his toes.

The Autarch belched ferociously to heavy applause (done in the traditional eldar manner of slapping both hands on the knees repeatedly). He then solemnly announced:

“I have a super-duper poem!”

At this remarkable news Shasta got so excited her butt cheeks began to contract tightly.

“I dedicate this poem to the brave eldar heroes fighting across the galaxy who perform super-duper well in battle by using hundreds of psychic powers that heavily annoy the enemy and deploying waves and waves and waves and waves of wave serpents with their cute little serpent shields.”

The mood in the room became reflective. To show respect for their brave heroes, the eldar suddenly snapped to attention, somberly putting their right thumbs in their mouths and grabbing their crotches with their left hands.

Autarch Piddl’face paused for dramatic effect and began:

“A wind in the trees.
Memory.
Time runs backward before forward.
Don’t stop believin’.
Nice guys finish lunch.”

The assembled crowd in “Former Days of Glory” stood in shock at the profound words they had just heard. Farseer Shasta Peck’rnuts so was overcome with emotion that she released a small amount of urine into her feathered thong and passed out.



In the far corner of the room the two imperial guard troopers considered the scene they had just witnessed.

“You know something?” said one.

“What is it?” said the other.

“The eldar are a bunch of douchebags.”

“Yep.”

[Dalleron]

I don't what you're after, but I liked it.

[Bigred]

Let's just move this firecracker to the Oubliette where it can go off without harming anyone...

[daboarder]

ha I don't think thats gonna help, wait till eldargal gets a hold of it

to the OP, while it may be therapeutic to write this, sharing it on a forum....well thats a bit much.

[Tzeentch's Dark Agent]

WHAT DID I JUST READ!?!?

n

[Wolfshade]

Still better than the blog on the telegraph from yesterday...

[Psychosplodge]

Not 40k background?

Still a better love story than twilight...

[Drunkencorgimaster]

I originally had it in the 40k Background section but Larry (probably wisely) moved it. It was just a little nerd rage vent done in a literary way (in the manner of Chaucer in "A Knights Tale") that I felt like sharing. I never know what's going to come out of my head.

[Necron2.0]

Did someone get the crap beat out of them by the Eldar over the weekend?

[White Tiger88]

What the hell.....