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  1. #1

    Default Girl troubles :\

    As most of my friends are stoners and we have different looks and life I don't really have anyone to ask so why not here?

    heres my problem, I've had a crush (A fairly big one) on my bestfriend for 3 years or so now and about 4 weeks ago I think, she said she has feelings for me but I should wait now I was extactic at the time and we started talking more and more and then she's stopped talking for some reason that she won't tell me this was properly close to 2 weeks ago now and still nothing really. So firstly is this normal? and secondly is she worth waiting for? (I don't think theirs an easy answer to that is there) and lastly is their any thing I can do?

    I don't know if back ground is worth it but hell. When I first meet her I was to the point of being like my friends and trying drugs and being just another brute or just blowing my brains out. But I meet her and life really didn't seem so bad so from their in I spent the next 3 years chasing after her and trying to help her through break ups etc. I did ask her out a few times but it was always your to good a friend or something. Also until latly I was going to school with her and seeing her everyday for the last year and a half so it feels weird not seeing her.

    Now with her not talking to me the one thing that was really weird was I got hit by a car lately not bad but enough that it hurt and she didn't respond at all which is very strange.

    I feel like a child for doing this but It feels a little better

    P.S. I'm 17 and shes 16 so now taking it out of context

    P.S.S feel free to post up your own problems
    Last edited by jgebi; 08-04-2013 at 03:08 PM.

  2. #2

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    just blowing my brains out
    Right, so the first thing I should say is that if you have had legitimate suicidal feelings in the past, you need to seriously consider counselling as a matter of urgency. Speaking from long personal experience (ten years ago, I was the only person I knew not an antidepressants of some kind; everyone of my friends who got better did so only after years of therapy. I still have friends who live under the weight of depression; unsurprisingly, they are all the ones who haven't seen a therapist or counsellor because either they're not ready, or because they think that to do so would be an admission of weakness. Conveniently ignoring the fact that fear of admitting weakness is a weakness. Irony, eh?), the only thing that makes them go away is professional help - and I speak for both myself and for numerous friends. There is a myth that love can change things, but this is an oversimplification. In the short term, it acts like emotional wallpaper over the cracks in the soul; you can pretend that you're fine because you're not noticing the cracks at the moment. However, over time, the cracks always come out. You need to consider what this will do not only to you, but also to the partner whom you love. It is one thing to live with your pain. It is quite another to ask another to live with it.

    Part of the big problem with dark thoughts is that they seem overwhelming, and like they cannot change. The truth is, they really can. One of my ex-girlfriends was sectioned under the mental health act when she attempted suicide; she spent six months confined in a mental hospital. That was ten years ago, and now she's really, really happy, leading a full life. Is her depression permenantly gone forever? No; but on those occasions where it rears its head, it's manageable, as the time she spent with therapists and doctors equipped her with the emotional armoury necessary to fight it off successfully.

    You should also consider that as a teenager, your brain is swirling with chemicals as it literally rebuilds itself. Your emotions will never be as overwhelming as they are right now. This will change as get older, but you're right in the middle of the storm. You can't fight emotions, because they don't work that way. You need to understand them: where are they coming from, which are just teenage hormones, and which are actually deep seated issues you need to resolve? Because love is wonderful, but relationships, real adult relationships are hard, take work and compromise, and I cannot state this enough, if one or both of you has a mental health disorder, you're playing the game of love on Hard Mode.

    Now, I don’t want you to think I’m belittling you for your age; far from it. I just want to be clear about the difficulties and issues it brings, which are very different from the ones older ages bring.

    As a side note, you mention your friends are stoners. I would strongly counsel against the use of drugs while you are working your issues out; cannabis in particular has a tendency to exacerbate underlying mental health issues, which is something, again, you need to consider from your prospective partner’s point of view. Because even if this girl isn’t the one, someone else will be; if you truly love them (as in care for them, genuinely want to protect them), then the first thing you will protect them from is yourself. Again, I speak from personal experience as both the giver and receiver of selfish behaviour in a relationship.

    about 4 weeks ago I think she said she has feelings for me but I should wait
    Here’s the thing: love is complicated. How much do you know about what she wants from a partner? Does she know? At 16, she probably wants hugs, intimacy, friendship, to be made to laugh, sex, not sex, to be excited, to have someone to snuggle, to have someone who she can talk to, to have someone she can protect, to have someone who will protect her, and about a million other conflicting ideas. She’s 16; this is not an age that lends itself to great emotional insight into oneself.

    It sounds like she doesn’t actually know what she wants, and that’s okay. She’s allowed not to know. Of course, her indecision is unbearable for you, but consider that she's probably concerned that if she rushes it, it will destroy what you have at the moment - from the sounds of it, the simple act of telling you in the first place may have already done just that. I imagine she likes you as a friend, but isn’t quite emotionally ready to take you (or anyone) as a lover; that's how this sounds.

    You say she’s stopped talking to you? That’s probably due to her feeling awkward now she’s had this discussion with you. She may want things to go back to the way they were; she may want nothing to do with you. The simple truth is you don’t have enough data. So, consider that one of your options is just to go up, and without any drama ask her where you stand. Don’t be aggressive, but don’t be passive either. The keyword here is “assertive”; you are a valid person, and your feelings are as important as hers. Be polite, remember to smile, and whatever happens, be the master of your emotions. If her response isn’t helpful, remember, that’s fair enough – as I say, she’s allowed to be finding this as difficult as you are. Society puts an entirely different set of pressures on women than it does on men, so she will not be experiencing these difficulties in the same way you are, even if you do both feel the same.

    Consider how much time you are prepared to wait for her. Consider whether the relationship is based on the possibility of real, mutual love and respect, or whether it’s simply a case of geographical proximity and shared loneliness. If you’re only going to be together because there’s no-one else around, is that really the bedrock of a love that will last forever? Consider finally that the world is large and wide, and that life has a tendency to play out in ways that you cannot expect. I have been in my relationship with my partner for nine years. I didn’t plan it or expect it, it just kind of happened. We’d known each other for years previously, but had never shown any interest in each other at all, then one day BAM! On the other hand, the woman I spent my first year at university pining for? No interest in her at all now; we’re still friends who share the occasional email, but nothing more.
    Ultimately, the most important thing is effective communication, so you at least know where you stand. From the sounds of things, she’s made up her mind, but you can’t know unless you ask. Just remember that if you do ask, don’t be whiny, don’t try and win her pity or her sympathy, and don’t assume anything. Plan your questions ahead of time, consider how you may respond, and just be a decent bloke.

    And really, seriously consider counselling. Everyone has suicidal thoughts at some time, but the way you talk about yourself suggests you have issues with your self-esteem that you should address.

    Good luck
    Last edited by YorkNecromancer; 08-04-2013 at 09:20 AM.
    AUT TACE AUT LOQUERE MELIORA SILENTIO

  3. #3

    Default

    with the mental health I get what your talking about and I get what you mean about seeing a mental health professional and I am seeing someone not so much about that but it is part of it. And with self-esteem it's all perspective I will do what makes her or some of my other friends happy just to make them happy but dose that mean I have low self-esteem? And lastly thanks it helps a little I still feel like I'm beating my head against a wall but at least I know what to ask so thanks.

    Oh yer I should properly added this isn't so much out side her pattern as she dose tend to shut down if something bigs happens with her family or something the such

  4. #4

    Default

    And with self-esteem it's all perspective I will do what makes her or some of my other friends happy just to make them happy but dose that mean I have low self-esteem?
    Well no, it doesn't. The fact you personally limited your options as

    trying drugs and being just another brute or just blowing my brains out.
    does not suggest, to me at least, a person who views himself in a positive way. So I stand by my comment that you should see a mental health consultant; no-one should ever view their only two options in life as being either the emotional oblivion of drugs or the physical oblivion of death. There are always further options, especially for someone who hasn't fully had time to explore who they really are yet.

    this isn't so much out side her pattern as she dose tend to shut down if something bigs happens with her family or something the such
    Which again, suggests you need to ask her. There's a reason every relationship counseller will tell you that good communication is the foundation of a solid relationship.

    As I say, good luck, and don't let you situation overcome you.
    AUT TACE AUT LOQUERE MELIORA SILENTIO

  5. #5

    Default

    Here's my take on girls and life in general matey, "be honest and be happy"

    I'm 38 next month and whilst I haven't always gotten everything right, I like to think I can offer a little friendly advice.
    It's not easy I know but sometimes you just have to take the bull by the horns. Phone the lass up and tell her exactly what's on your mind and how your felling, if that's too difficult then try writing a letter. If you get a positive response then great, if not well then it's time to move on. At least you will know and you will have some relief either way.


    Being happy isn't always easy, but you have one shot at life. So whatever it takes you have to do what makes you happy.
    It may surprise a few on here but I have a history of anger issues. I won't go into any details but I will say I did learn though therapy to like myself, learn patience and never surround myself with negative people. It works for me and I'm a much happier guy for it. I prescribe to anyone "physical exercise" on a regular basis. Trust me that's one way to being a happier person.

    You take care jgebi and remember your the author of your own story.
    http://paintingplasticcrack.blogspot.co.uk

  6. #6
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    Default

    York and Dead hit the nail square on the head, so really not much to add save this:

    How much do you care for the lass? If she doesn't, or can't reciprocate your feelings for her, are you comfortable with remaining friends?

    In the long run, it's always best to be honest first with yourself, and then with your partner. Be honest about what you each are looking for in the relationship. If your goals don't align, you will have problems down the road.

    Real relationships are hard. sometimes almost unbearingly so. But a solid relationship is a wondrous thing.

  7. #7
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    What York said is profoundly true, on all accounts. I would definitely listen to that advice. The only thing I would add is my own personal observations. I know of nobody who remained in a relationship with the love from their teens past their twenties. Sometimes it does happen, but it's rare. Right now it may seem that this girl is the only truth in life, but she is not. That feeling is most likely a chemically induced illusion - the product of too much testosterone coursing through a body that has never experienced it in such massive doses, and that is struggling to compensate for it. I guarantee you, in less than ten years, the levels will subside, your mind will clear, and you'll be left asking yourself, "What kind of crazy-azz basturd was I?" That is just how it is. Every man on this forum above twenty has gone through this exact same thing.

    I realize what I'm telling you doesn't mitigate how you feel right now. I know how it feels is like your world is coming completely apart. Believe me, though, it's not. It just is not.
    Necron2.0 (a.k.a. me) - "I used to wrestle with inner demons. Now we just sit for tea and scones, and argue over the weather."

  8. #8

    Default

    So just have to keep my self busy... and not let it get to me?

  9. #9
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    mostly yeah,

    People are people and you cant really force them to respond the way you want them too, you did good asking her out in the first place though mate. You've got a long life ahead of you mate, and its cliche but these things happen, of course the counter point is that the good times with people that care are so much better.

    Just whatever you do don't do anything that will hurt those that do care.
    Morbid Angels:http://www.lounge.belloflostsouls.net/showthread.php?7100-Morbid-angel-WIP
    I probably come across as a bit of an ***, don't worry I just cannot abide stupid.

  10. #10
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    Jgebi - you have received some top advice here, I haven't much to add as I endorse it all. Some further considerations:

    1. Question - is it worth cocking up a friendship to have a relationship with this girl? If not, back off, change target and tell her that's what you've done - things will settle down when she sees you pursue other options. If you want to risk it, give her some time and tell her, irrespective of relationships, for her to leave a friend hanging on like this is hurtful. either you'll discover something illogically female happened to change circumstances, or she'll stop being an arse and will speak to you, which will allow some form of pursuit.

    2. On the subject of drugs, I'm sure what Yorkie meant to say was not just leave them out whilst you work your issues out, but to leave them out all the time. What he says about exacerbating mental health is true. Also consider practicalities - money and and probably criminal in your neck of the woods?

    3. On the subject of self harm, if ever you were considering it, just consider there is no such thing - because peopel you love and who love you will be hurt as well. So best not, if you can't be strong for yourself be strong for them.

    Remember, never let them see you bleed, and always have an escape plan.
    I'M RATHER DEFINATELY SURE FEMALE SPACE MARINES DEFINERTLEY DON'T EXIST.

 

 
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