A matter of the heart

[scadugenga]

Actually I'm with Nab on this. If you make your intent clear and them back away entirely you are sending the message you're only interested in her romantically which generally will not be received well.

Again, you're in a tough place. Good luck!

[YorkNecromancer]

My first bit of advice woud be to ignore the concept of 'the friendzone'. It's a myth. If you end up being her friend rather than her lover, well, you were always going to end up that way. No-one likes to hear that they aren't attractive, but the truth is, we're not . Not to everyone. If it's not going to happen, you can't make it happen.

Next, the issue seems to be one of timing.

I was in a relationship with a girl for a year and five months, and it was the most miserable relationship I have ever suffered through. She liked me just fine as a friend, but she came to me a with a whole load of baggage she wasn't ready to deal with from her previous relationship. She had only been single for a very short time, and I realise now that she was never interested in me beyond friendship; the reason for her initiating a relationship beyond that was her phobia of being single. Loneliness can make people do crazy things; I went out with her, for example. It is always better to be alone than try and turn a one-way love affair into a two-way one. The moon may reflect the sun's glow, but it's still dark at night.

Here's the thing; you probably already know what you want/are going to do, you're just looking for confirmation. Whether you do or not is irrelevant. Do what is in your heart. Be honest with her, and fair to yourself.

If I am honest, it sounds like the timing is wrong; that you probably could work as a couple together, but she's not ready, and by the time she is, you or she will be with someone else. There's nothing wrong or bad about this; it's just life. There's always the other possibility, that the timing is not right now, you drift apart, and then come back together years, or even decades from now. Life is weird, and its paths unpredictable and circuitious.

Tell her how you feel. Be honest, and use the words "I feel..." to clarify (i.e.: "I feel we would work well together" rather than "We would work well together".) This will help make your feelings clear, but without putting pressure on her. If she says she's not ready, accept it and move on. There's a specific type of nonsense that goes "Oh, but I don't want to ruin our friendship."

Your friendship was ruined the moment your feelings increased to include the romantic. Follow them or don't, but be aware things will be very weird for a few months if you don't.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I hope it works out for you. Just be honest and open, and prepared for whatever the consequences may be. If it does fail, it's not like she's the only girl who likes Pixar. Frankly, I have yet to meet a girl who doesn't.

[Nabterayl]

My first bit of advice woud be to ignore the concept of 'the friendzone'. It's a myth. If you end up being her friend rather than her lover, well, you were always going to end up that way. No-one likes to hear that they aren't attractive, but the truth is, we're not . Not to everyone. If it's not going to happen, you can't make it happen.

This I agree with. To put my suggestion in context with Wildey's "double-edged sword" comment, I might feel differently if I believed in the friendzone. The fact that I think it's a myth definitely underpins my advice.

Your friendship was ruined the moment your feelings increased to include the romantic. Follow them or don't, but be aware things will be very weird for a few months if you don't.

I don't know how absolutely Yorky means this, but I don't agree with this. Specifically, I don't believe that you can't be friends with somebody you know is attracted to you, and I don't believe you can't be friends with somebody you are attracted to who doesn't reciprocate your feelings. One of my dearest friends is somebody I've been attracted to for thirteen years. We aren't getting together, and we both know it. She is still my dear friend, and I am still hers.

[Wildeybeast]

The friend zone is not an absolute rule, but it is a thing for a reason. It is perfectly possible for long-standing friendship to develop into romantic longings (reciprocal or not). The friendzone exists because people fail to set out the parameters and expectations of their relationship clearly and you both end up wanting different things. My point is that Soton is attempting to build a new relationship and those first impressions will be incredibly important, especially with a woman who's feelings towards men are currently 'confused'. It isn't enough to simply tell her how you feel and then hang out hoping she ends up feeling the same way (unless, as I said, you are happy with settling for friendship). You need to define and reinforce your expectations (in a non-pushy way) to make sure you don't drop into a situation where you want different things from the relationship. If you really want her, go for it all out and make sure she knows it.

[Denzark]

Carpe jugulum! And remember, no matter what the first date is, the second must be to the zoo. To watch the Lions mating. There is no mistaking your intent there. Grrrr. Lots of biting, clawing and fur flying.

[Nabterayl]

The friend zone is not an absolute rule, but it is a thing for a reason. It is perfectly possible for long-standing friendship to develop into romantic longings (reciprocal or not). The friendzone exists because people fail to set out the parameters and expectations of their relationship clearly and you both end up wanting different things. My point is that Soton is attempting to build a new relationship and those first impressions will be incredibly important, especially with a woman who's feelings towards men are currently 'confused'. It isn't enough to simply tell her how you feel and then hang out hoping she ends up feeling the same way (unless, as I said, you are happy with settling for friendship). You need to define and reinforce your expectations (in a non-pushy way) to make sure you don't drop into a situation where you want different things from the relationship. If you really want her, go for it all out and make sure she knows it.

Ah, that I agree with. I don't believe in the friendzone as a place that people can put their suitors, but I do believe in it as a place that suitors can put themselves into by being wishy-washy. If you want things to go other than where they are, I definitely echo the need to define and reinforce your expectations in a non-pushy way.

[Deadlift]

Guys, come on your over doing this just a tad bit.

A) be honest
B) ask her on a date
C) see how it goes.

Rinse and repeat.

All this don't do this and do that, is all bull**** really.

Dating is fun, I think that's being lost in all the paragraphs of advice your getting.

[Psychosplodge]

Fun?
Dating is nerve wrecking terror offset by when you find something that works and makes it worthwhile...

[Denzark]

Guys, come on your over doing this just a tad bit.


Dating is fun, I think that's being lost in all the paragraphs of advice your getting.

All my friends who for whatever reason are in the 'dating game' hate and loath it. I have never understood dating - although with 10th anniversary coming next year, and us having been together 6 years before that, I am out of date. Any of the 'relationships' I had before that at Universtiy, seemed to be where waking up from a night of bacchanalian debauchery both parties had a sufficiently mutual liking to gravitate together until something came of it. I can recommend this approach - definitely try before you buy. Or something. This advice comes to you from last century, in lieu of anything better, I endorse deady's a-c - don't over complicate things and if nothing is ventured, nothing is gained.

'Friendship Zone'? 'Dating'? Psshaaww.

[eldargal]

Don't forget to stalk and kill a wilder-beast to show you can provide for her and her spawn.