Mental Health Thread

[Mr Mystery]

Evening all.

My name is Mr Mystery, and I suffer from anxiety.

And I've finally decided I need to do something about it. At present this involves signing up to a GP (I'm in otherwise excellent health), getting an appropriate referral, and then rinsing my work based Bupa membership to go get my head fixed.

I don't really know when it started, but I know the triggers, so I guess that's something for the professionals to work with.

As I'm sure you're all aware, mental health remains a completely pointless taboo in our society, particularly for men, so I thought a Carey-Sharey thread might help us to dispel that in our own little neck of the cyber-woods.

In my case, my anxiety holds me back in relationships. I got royally messed up about 12 years ago, and no relationship has worked out since as I'm constantly haunted and even somewhat paranoid as a result of that particular head-wrecking.

But hey, the pros are out there and as ever I count myself fortunate that I won't need to worry about the cost (usually because NHS, but this time top level private care cover)

So, anyone else?

[Asymmetrical Xeno]

I have generalised anxiety and bouts of agoraphobia and depression so I can relate a bit. I can only manage a voluntary job at a place for disabled/mentally ill folk and also still live with a parent and where I live is quite isolated so i don't have many mates outside my vol-job that I see too much sadly. i'll just be busy fighting those daily mail readers that read this if you wonder where I am. My pet tarantula helps my health a lot, I do not know what I'd do without that 8-legged fuzzball. Making music and wargame miniatures also help a great deal (thank **** for those hobbies!)

[Haighus]

I don't have any mental health issues myself, although I have accessed similar services before through Uni (relationship counselling and assertiveness training).

Good on you for starting the thread and seeking help It really is the most pointless taboo, I really don't see why illnesses of the mind should be any more scary or threatening than illnesses of the body. For me there isn't a distinction- illness is just illness, it doesn't matter in what form it comes.

[Arkhan Land]

Growing up I was a real wacky kid, had a lot more anxiety. Then round 19 I had a tumor explode my left nut, and had a bunch of surgeries and got all SUPER SUPER SUPER anxious from that, which btw is not a super uncommon thing to happen for people who end up for long hospital stays, but I already had a lot of issues with anxiety beforehand.

Took acid every day for about a month leading to a 10 trip hit that finally sort of traumatized me back straight, or rather the shrooms i took the next month were what really brought me back. Dropped out of school, quit my dayjob to do music engineering full time/spend every waking minute of my time playing music with people I know/friends, which turned out to be THE HANDS DOWN GREATEST decision of my life. Also I started smoking weed

TBH Im not sure if it was the trauma of an LSD trip that (that I nearly stabbed myself in the head with a screwdriver during) or the process of literally ditching everything in life I didnt care about that was already upsetting me, or both, but after that my Anxietys been managable sans zonky medication/un-soft self medication (mostly painkillers, the hospital gave me half a 375 of perkoset and a big ole grip of promethazines, I was basically on "That Lean" for about 5 months). It was like a weight lifted off my chest for the first time in my life

so looking back on what I just wrote perhaps aside from all the crazy stuff, yeah quitting ones dayjob for what one wants to do is the best advice.

Having money enough to "buy anything/do anything" one needs doesnt really help you if thats not something that can actually solve your problem! doing what you want with your life is the solution!

[Path Walker]

I'm chronically depressed and have a social anxiety disorder, first raised its head with a suicide attempt at 18 and have struggled on since, often self harmed and had suicidal thoughts but haven't made a serious attempt again.

I've been medicated for over 6 years now, sometimes pretty damn heavily. Without that, and various forms of counselling, I would no doubt have attempted suicide again and in all likelihood have succeeded.

I'm in a better place currently, I have rediscovered this hobby and found a great group of people who I now consider amongst my closest friends and a wider gaming circle of cool and laid back people. I am over 2 years sober and have cut off ties with many toxic people in my life. I still struggle with the anxiety and being comfortable in myself, but it's something I'm working, on to be the person I'm happy being and not the person other people think is funny and want me to be. I can still be a dickhead to people online, which isn't something I'm happy about and is a layover from my worst times where I'd be like that in real life but I really do try and stop myself, most of the time.

[Erik Setzer]

Hmm. I don't want to self-diagnose, so I have no names for anything that might be affecting me. And I really dislike hospitals and doctor's offices and the idea of taking medication that might affect how I think, so I haven't been to a doctor. Not sure if/when I will. But hey, might as well add my experiences here. Might help people understand me better.

And for my sake, too, I'm going to do my best to be open about things. I don't trust people by default, so right now I'm freaking out about "OMG what are they going to do with what I say? What will they think? How will they react?" Stuff like that.

So let's see...

I was born to a couple who were in their 30s at the time, and on their second stint together (which would last this time). From what I understand, my mom had an operation to have no more kids, and yet, I still came out. Not sure if that got things started on the wrong foot. My dad didn't work the whole time I was growing up, he was on disability and SS. My mom worked mostly cashier positions... she'd try to take classes to do better, but didn't seem to believe in herself. So we didn't have much money. I slept on a floor a lot, and at one point, sleeping on a coffee table as a "bed" seemed like a step up.

I was a "gifted" kid. Found a paper later warning parents about the issues that could present. Clearly they didn't read it. Like you shouldn't let a gifted kid watch the news all the time, because they'll understand it and piece together what's going on. But my dad kept it on CNN and FNC (and sometimes BBC or other news networks) darned near 24/7, so there I was, soaking it all in. The news is never good. As a kid, you just see a world full of people hating, and killing, and hurting, and endless wars, and you know, inside, you can't do anything to stop it.

But hey, family presents you with a nurturing warm light to shine away that darkness, right? Oh hell no. My parents argued constantly and would just wreck stuff in the house, and would turn to destroying our stuff (the kids) to try to get us to turn on the other parent. I have a teddy bear I got when I was four, I keep it to this day as a reminder of a lot of things, between the sewn-up cuts from parents to the soot from the two house fires it somehow managed to survive. Even on Christmas, that kind of stuff kept going on. Got to where even my siblings hated each other. Fights were too regular. And my dad didn't shy from getting physical in keeping people in line. I'd get hit by a cane for doing nothing. My dad would get me to do all the same hobbies as him, both because it meant someone could help him with assembling things (and, later, painting models... most of his models I'd painted), but also because he tended to piss off everyone else. One day I was playing a computer game with him (Warlords II, I think, actually a fun game). The way he played those games was that, if he started to lose, he'd reset the game. So it didn't matter what I did, I wouldn't be allowed to win. I wasn't showing enough enthusiasm about sitting there playing out the motions, and he got mad and slapped me so hard it knocked me right out of the chair I was sitting in.

Any award I got, he was quick to say how he "taught me everything" (even claiming credit for teaching me how to code on the web, despite knowing nothing about how to do it, and I did his websites for him). And the one time I beat him to win a tournament, he threw a fit and I just agreed to mark it as a draw; I still won first overall because more people voted for me as best opponent, and I voted for a really nice guy as best opponent, and my dad was pissed I didn't vote for him. Later on, when I'd had enough and left to get my own place (I'll get to that), he kept the hammer I'd won as a trophy, hiding it under his bed... which unfortunately was practically ground zero for the worst house fire, destroying the hammer. (A friend later got me a replacement almost exactly the same. Said friend is, by miles, my best friend.) At 10 years old, I got a couple trophies from a slot car series I competed in. I was in the juniors (dominated so much they had to make a mid-level class to get me out), my dad was in the seniors, but he didn't place in his series. Years later, he pulled the plate off of one of my trophies and glued it to his slot car box so he could claim he'd won a series he didn't place in, leaving me with a defaced trophy. (Bonus points: The box he glued it to was an expensive hand-made box I got him for Christmas. Seriously an amazing box. Have to get it from my family some day.)

Wasn't allowed to do anything after school. I had to go home and be there to do things for people. Had to stay up late to help out, so I was tired in school, which of course affected my grades, as did slipping into some seriously depressed feelings, which were easier to deal with by just being angry a lot. My dad would instead blame things like my liking Star Wars (he destroyed all my Star Wars stuff twice), or my drawing (destroyed all my drawings multiple times, to where I just stopped trying to draw any more). He was a big fan of punishment through destroying things. Got pissed at my brother once and decided to hammer the crap out of his Eldar. Sadly, I had a GorkaMorka special Nob (the one made to look like the cover) on the desk near them, and I was proud of it because I was still learning to paint and thought I got the leather to look awesome, but next thing I know, one entire side of the model is smashed flat. I hadn't even done anything. "Blame your brother!" I was told.

Going through school, I was "awkward," so of course people avoided me, and everything I experienced told me that people just hated me, so I kept to myself most of the time.

I'll fast forward a bit ahead...

Struck out on my own. Got a decent job, got my own place, was hated for not giving all my money to the family to waste. A friend introduced me to a political group. Sounded like they were for some good stuff, so I was eager to join. Put a lot of work into it. But alas, it's politics. I tried to keep things honest and keep people going toward the goal. We preached accountability in politicians, we should have it ourselves, right? Nope! Got burned repeatedly for doing what we said all the time was the right thing. The final nail with that group was when I had a question about some financial stuff not being recorded on the public record, and rather than say anything in front of the organization members, I asked about it privately, which was then claimed to be me saying they were doing shady dealings, and they used that to hold a meeting where I wasn't allowed (despite being a national board member, not just a local board member), and voted to ignore the organization's own rules and kick me out, even though they couldn't... but I just walked about, because forget that noise. Lo and behold, the group fell apart, someone's trying to pick up the pieces, and keeps wanting me to help now.

In that time frame, I also had that first job come to an end, because after being promised the manager job, it was given to someone with much less experience and knowledge who was a true yes-man, and I wasn't quiet about that BS or the fact we were doing stupid stuff that was bad for people's websites. Then I got a brief job where I was asked to do a combination of a coupon site, online classifieds, community calendar, and a bunch of other stuff, with varying payment levels for subscriptions, all from scratch... and still nearly pulled it off in just two month's time, despite even having to do the designer's job because he didn't "feel" the project. But since the manager screwed up client expectations and kept overpromising, one of the people there was upset (though everyone I talked to was very happy with me), and he blamed me and booted me.

I have never had a relationship, and doubt I ever will. I think I had a "girlfriend" way back in 4th grade, but does that really count? No woman wants someone who doesn't have looks, money, or power. And it's worse when I see situations where someone knew I was the only person around who cared about them, the only person they could trust, but "it wouldn't work out" (but it totally works out with someone with a lot more money and looks who they can't be as honest with).

I'm not even good with trying to get friends. I have plenty of friendly acquaintances, but it's hard to know who I can call "friend." There is one person I know I can... she is by far my best friend. There's someone I hang out with a lot and talk to pretty much every day, but, no offense to him, she'll always be my best friend, the one consistent light and one of the few things keeping me sort-of sane.

I try to be nice to people, and help people, but that so often ends with bad experiences. Family members or a "friend" who come crying for help with some serious financial issue, and I help, and then they never pay back any of it, or return favors. It's an ongoing experience, I do for others and get nothing in return. I have no idea why I even try to help. Logically, it's stupid. I shouldn't. But I feel bad if I don't. Heck, I feel bad if I even think to myself that I don't want to sit on the computer and talk to someone while playing games (especially as it's probably hurting my health)... but then I realize they probably need someone to talk to and keep them from feeling bad, so I just tough it out anyway.

I don't mention all of this as "feel bad for me." It's to try to give backstory to how I feel and think.

I see around me a really awful world. Hate, anger, violence, sadness, and people just want to keep it going, but in a way that benefits them, rather than solve it. People are so vile and awful. They do disgusting things and I hate them for it. I can't do anything to stop all that, and I feel sad about that. But I also hate myself for being so powerless.

I am alone, and not just in not having a relationship. I don't trust people enough to relate to them how I feel. Even if they aren't judgmental, I feel like I'm selfishly putting my burdens on them. So the extremely rare person who might actually care, I don't want to burden them with my troubles. I don't see that changing.

I think "depression" is the best term for what I feel on a constant basis. Sometimes I don't catch myself in time and I let anger wash to the surface because it's an easier emotion to deal with, but that leaves me hating myself more and feeling worse. Crowds bother me because people are just... bleh. I go to lunch in the cafeteria and have to get through line quickly and find a hidden corner, because with each passing day the presence of people around me makes me feel more and more nervous, and it makes me feel like I'm going to literally have a heart attack.

The thought of just taking away all that misery with one action does come to mind... but right now it's held back because I think: "The kittens would never do well with someone else, especially Myr. He's a mess but he doesn't deserve that." "There's no backup plan for me at work. All the things I do wouldn't be done until they get a replacement, and that's just screwing all those people over." It's not a belief in a better future that keeps me going, but knowing that I would be letting people down.

Yeah, I know I'm loud. I have to show pride in the things I do right because I know I'm such a screw up in so many other ways. I don't like dishonesty so I always try to be honest in how I feel about anything, but that might not be a positive opinion and I forget that the "accepted" social norm is to not express negative opinions.

I try to be a good person, but I know I'm not. I can't be. If so many people hate you and hardly anyone likes you and no one, not even your family, loves you, then how good can you be? And there, I find myself thinking again... would the negatives caused by removing such wrongness from the world be worse than the positives it'd bring? Surely the net positive would be worth it?

[Alaric]

For as much as you hate doctors and whatnot (I do too) I think you should talk to a shrink. Stigmas aside they really do help. I have a buddy who was on the verge of losing everything but after talking to someone its like hes a brand new dude, ive known him since I was 15 so I could tell.
Sometimes talking to someone who really doesnt know a damn thing aboot you can help. His words, not mine.

Yer all brave for sharing. Good on ya Mystery.

As for myself. Ive been screwy from day one. Always knew it but its damn near impossible to fix. I just surrounded myself with good people and I have my outlets, games, buddies n drugs.
We only get one life and for meself, ill do the best I can to enjoy it and not focus on the bad.

[Path Walker]

[url]http://www.belloflostsouls.net/2015/12/games-workshop-has-me-worried.html[/url]

On topic frontpage article making light of depression, fun times.

[Mr Mystery]

Blech.

Irritating thing is, depression is nothing to be ashamed of.

I've suffered from it, and I dare say my anxiety is firmly linked to it.

Some might consider me weak. But hey, let's take stock of what I've been through....

Starting in 2000?

House fire.
Really bad break up
Homeless for a year
Rape
Various failed relationships, all my own doing
Inability to feel much
Oppressive Boss who nearly set me back to my depression
Oh, and genuinely confused with a murderer by the national press.

And that's just first hand stuff I've dealt with. All in, I'm amazed I'm doing as well as I am (superb career, well respected in said career, got a really nice flat, earning solid money etc) and have managed to remain largely sane.

So what if from time to time I find myself in a fug? I manage to have a word with myself in the end and emerge ok.

Please note, this is just my experience. It is by no means intended as the start of a misery contest. Remember, the worst thing that ever happened in a given person's life is just that - the worst thing to happen [i]to them[/]. Misery Measuring achieves nothing beyond making all parties feel bad. Just wanted to clarify in case any was thinking it was some kind of dig etc.

Onwards and upwards my friends.

Onwards and upwards.

[40kGamer]

Until the last couple of years I didn't fully understand how much havoc an out of control mind can cause the body. A few deaths and other family issues sent me into a spiral of depression that eventually lead to panic attacks, anxiety and a 5 month marathon of major insomnia! The insomnia was truly God awful... after a few days of sleeping 1-2 hours a night a person becomes a walking zombie. Sometimes I would suddenly become aware of what I was doing or where I was but couldn't remember how long I was there or how I got there. I started having breathing problems, digestive issues and a host of other crap. Luckily a physician friend helped break the insomnia with medication and then I was able to make some other changes to relieve the anxiety.

Now it's easy to understand how this stuff can lead people to suicide... at the low points you feel like it will never get better. Good news to anyone suffering though cause it can get better. Way, way better.

Good luck on your side of the pond Mystery! Hope you get the same results I have.