The Achievments of Marneus Calgar

[Cyberscape7]

Okay I know this is a bit of a daft idea but me and Bryss were going on about how 'great' Marneus Calgar is and it kinda degenerated into how Calgar is the Chuck Norris of the 41st millenium. Then we kept making up ridiculous (or over-exagurated) achievments done by Calgar like he fought off 1000000000000000000000000000000000000000 grots over the space of 99 minutes. So I decided to see if anyone here would like to play as well. The rules are simple, just post achievments that you could imagine Calgar performing (or just ones that you find hillarious) or even start spreading rumours about Calgar (e.g. is he what the nids are running from?) and please EXAGURATE. So to start off:
A commisar once put a bolt pistol to Calgars head and pulled the trigger. From Calgars point of view the shell took 2 minutes to leave the chamber giving Calgar enough time to cath the shell and throw it back at the comissar, increasing its Strenth to 10 and its Ap to 1. The commisar didnt stand a chance.

[DarkAngelHopeful]

Marneus Calgar uppercuts his mouthbone every morning with The Gauntlets to kill gingivitis, just because he can. And sometimes he headbutts his dog when he gets excited, why? Because he's Marneus Calgar.

[eldargal]

Calgar impregnates the entire population of a Howling Banshee shrine in three minutes, giving birth to a new species of Eldar super warriors who go on to destroy the enemies of the Imperium and Eldar, thus ushering in a golden age of friendship, security and cooperation for both species. He does it while wearing an evening suit and top hat.

[Hyperion]

Calgar got so carried away at the annual squat throwing contest that so far not a single squat has been found

[MarneusCalgar]

Hehehe, thank you, boys and girls, for all your words hehehehe...

Now, jokes apart, Marneus Calgar is maybe the best Commander of all the Space Marines, better than Grimnar and only in deuce or so with Dante (and only cause Dante is over a thousand y.o.)

[DarkAngelHopeful]

Marneus Calgar invented the "Hawaiian Punch." His PR guys finally had to hire the current Hawaiian Punch guy after he killed a bunch of fans with the Gauntlets of Ultramar....man, Afghanistan has drained all of my funny....

edit: thought of another one

You know when the inquisition completely destroys a planet? Yeah, that's right, they shoot Marneus Calgar out of one of those cannons and he uppercuts the planet.....oh man, I'm having epic fail here.....

Le sigh

[Cyberscape7]

Hehehe, thank you, boys and girls, for all your words hehehehe...

Marneus Calgar perfected Time Travel. As we can see from this documentation Calgar transported himself to the year 2010 to make himself seem even older and therfore wiser. After this brief interlude from important matters Calgar promptly revisited all of his great moments in order to make them even greater.

And so, fighting off the swarmlord for days on end was Marneus Calgar and his doppelganger from the future!- Extract from the Ultramar Archives

[Herald of Nurgle]

When nerds want stuff done, they send Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris wants something done, he sends Calgar.

[Playa]

This one time? In Band Camp? Calgar stuck a ... wait, that's not it.
Oh, yeah -

Q. What's under Calgar's Power Fists?
A. More fists!!!

[Master Bryss]

Whoawhoawhoawhoa, hold on, Marny Calgar hails from Spain! Good grief! (Checks the archives) Yep, as I thought. Pedro Kantor is Calgar's love child! And contrary to popular belief, the Crimson Fists in fact come from Ultramarine gene stock! Who knew?